”Becky and I just looked into each other’s eyes and smiled, both too exhausted to respond. Most couples deal with a wet spot in the bed, we had a mostly wet bed but fell asleep anyway.The next morning, I climbed out of a still very wet bed, dressed, and went to do chores. Becky and Aunt Maggie were sound asleep when I crept out the door. If mom thought I smelled like pussy after Pam, just wait till she got a whiff of me this morning.Becky and Aunt Maggie were in the kitchen with mom when I. A mini-Staff Quarters, if you like. It was for the senior staff; mostly our Head of Security and Head Gardener. It had its own kitchen, living room, etc., and four large, double bedrooms with their own bathrooms. Our senior staff could easily be married and wouldn't want to live with a couple dozen young men; and neither would the men want their bosses living with them. There was a connecting door between the two independent buildings, but we imagined that it'd be infrequently used.What the. My belly, although distended, was warm and smooth at thetouch. My belly button was jutting out as happens to a pregnant womanwhen her belly bulges out. I had mood swings, typical of hormone surges,and the definite sensation something was moving on the inside. It was abit like I could feel the baby kicking sometimes! Heaven on earth for atranswoman, I thought, mustn't be very different from this. I felt as ifevery moment of my life was significant in the writing of my history as awoman.One. But now he was all too ready to commit violence on mybehalf, simply waiting to see if he was needed in that capacity. But asmuch as he wanted to deal out justice, I wanted too even more. Livingwith this humiliation was almost too much. If they got off, I would endit all with a gun. Murder is easy when you have no hope.As much as much family and friends loved me, I was clinically depressedand suicidal. I was holding on for them, not me. I wanted to die in orderto escape from my pain, but at the.
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